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Wednesday, July 6, 2016

ここから さき え。。。From here on, what should I do?

I got my CertTESOL certificate today. I did good considering I had no practical teaching experience so I'm happy with my grade. I was expecting much worse ^^:

Then, my favorite Youtube Idol JefferzKM tweeted a song from a new anime that I think hasn't even started airing yet, and I'm yet again, all confused. I realize again and again, that is where my passion truly lies. I direct my attention towards different things, more practical things, but I'm pulled by even the smallest thing from this side... hon'nosukoshi demo, miraretara kokoro ga yurete, hikareteshimau... what should I do to be practical while being true to myself?

I get the, 'act your age' line all the time but, how do you behave like a grown up? My roommate in Kerala also said similar things, but I wonder, what does it mean to be a grown up? otona tte nan deshou? just because you're older, do you have to rip apart yourself and pretend to be something you're not? I get that once you're older, have responsibilities and things to consider before doing things, and there are certain priorities in life. But, why can't we be ourselves while doing that? I get shunned a lot for my passion for anime and the much I'm into Japanese language and culture. Just because I'm not a usual Indian person, how does it make me any less grown up?

I like making anime style graphics.
I like singing Japanese songs.
I like watching anime and reading manga.
I like Vocaloids.
I like reading about Japanese culture and history.
I like experimenting with cooking instead of making traditional food all the time.
I like the rain and the sky and night time view of places.
I like listening to youtube covers of anime song and different Japanese songs.
I like finding new creative things.
I like photoshop and paint-sai.
I like traveling and checking out new places.
I like adventures.
I like discovering new things and exploring.
I like finding talented people and feeling happy that people can be so creative.
I like the smell of the earth after rain and the smell of the air before it rains.
I like books.
I like music, especially Japanese music.

I don't like clothes shopping that takes forever.
I don't like having a whole army of bags to match every outfit, two three that go good with different occasions are enough.
I don't like backstabbing girl talk.
I don't like praising people without meaning it.
I don't like talking to people who have a closed mindset about things.
I don't like people who don't open up and expect me to.
I don't like dull, non creative things.
I don't like muddy roads.
I don't like people who question everything just to annoy people.
I don't like people who criticize others or judge others without knowing their circumstances.
I don't like the fact that I can't go on the roof at night anymore.
I don't like the tall buildings and city lights that make it hard to see the stars at night.
I don't like being a stick in the mud and following exactly what everyone else is doing.
I don't like being unable to choose how my life turns out, but then again, who can...

Inside my head, everything is a jumbled mess.

I don't want to stay in my hometown but I don't have a choice otherwise. I want to go teach and live in Japan or South Korea... this isn't my place to be, this isn't the life I want to choose, and yet...

I have a new teaching job, probably starting in August here in my own city. I don't particularly want to do it. It's not a bad job, but it's not what I want to do.
If only I had more time, if only I could change something about my life, if only life was not so unfair.
I want to continue my cover singing on Youtube. I don't care if I'm an insignificant nobody compared to the other amazing singers, it is what makes me happy. I love doing that. I want to translate more songs. Write more. Get the time and atmosphere so I can read more of Min's poetry. I want to make more beautiful pictures in photoshop. I still have to learn katakana and kanji. Why is there so much that I want to do and yet barely any chance or time to be able to do it... jinsei tte..fukoheina mono desu ne...

AHHHHHHHHHH whatever =.= ... I'll just go make some graphics that always helps -.-;
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