ここから さき え。。。From here on, what should I do?

I got my CertTESOL certificate today. I did good considering I had no practical teaching experience so I'm happy with my grade. I was expecting much worse ^^:

Then, my favorite Youtube Idol JefferzKM tweeted a song from a new anime that I think hasn't even started airing yet, and I'm yet again, all confused. I realize again and again, that is where my passion truly lies. I direct my attention towards different things, more practical things, but I'm pulled by even the smallest thing from this side... hon'nosukoshi demo, miraretara kokoro ga yurete, hikareteshimau... what should I do to be practical while being true to myself?

I get the, 'act your age' line all the time but, how do you behave like a grown up? My roommate in Kerala also said similar things, but I wonder, what does it mean to be a grown up? otona tte nan deshou? just because you're older, do you have to rip apart yourself and pretend to be something you're not? I get that once you're older, have responsibilities and things to consider before doing things, and there are certain priorities in life. But, why can't we be ourselves while doing that? I get shunned a lot for my passion for anime and the much I'm into Japanese language and culture. Just because I'm not a usual Indian person, how does it make me any less grown up?

I like making anime style graphics.
I like singing Japanese songs.
I like watching anime and reading manga.
I like Vocaloids.
I like reading about Japanese culture and history.
I like experimenting with cooking instead of making traditional food all the time.
I like the rain and the sky and night time view of places.
I like listening to youtube covers of anime song and different Japanese songs.
I like finding new creative things.
I like photoshop and paint-sai.
I like traveling and checking out new places.
I like adventures.
I like discovering new things and exploring.
I like finding talented people and feeling happy that people can be so creative.
I like the smell of the earth after rain and the smell of the air before it rains.
I like books.
I like music, especially Japanese music.

I don't like clothes shopping that takes forever.
I don't like having a whole army of bags to match every outfit, two three that go good with different occasions are enough.
I don't like backstabbing girl talk.
I don't like praising people without meaning it.
I don't like talking to people who have a closed mindset about things.
I don't like people who don't open up and expect me to.
I don't like dull, non creative things.
I don't like muddy roads.
I don't like people who question everything just to annoy people.
I don't like people who criticize others or judge others without knowing their circumstances.
I don't like the fact that I can't go on the roof at night anymore.
I don't like the tall buildings and city lights that make it hard to see the stars at night.
I don't like being a stick in the mud and following exactly what everyone else is doing.
I don't like being unable to choose how my life turns out, but then again, who can...

Inside my head, everything is a jumbled mess.

I don't want to stay in my hometown but I don't have a choice otherwise. I want to go teach and live in Japan or South Korea... this isn't my place to be, this isn't the life I want to choose, and yet...

I have a new teaching job, probably starting in August here in my own city. I don't particularly want to do it. It's not a bad job, but it's not what I want to do.
If only I had more time, if only I could change something about my life, if only life was not so unfair.
I want to continue my cover singing on Youtube. I don't care if I'm an insignificant nobody compared to the other amazing singers, it is what makes me happy. I love doing that. I want to translate more songs. Write more. Get the time and atmosphere so I can read more of Min's poetry. I want to make more beautiful pictures in photoshop. I still have to learn katakana and kanji. Why is there so much that I want to do and yet barely any chance or time to be able to do it... jinsei tte..fukoheina mono desu ne...

AHHHHHHHHHH whatever =.= ... I'll just go make some graphics that always helps -.-;

Kerala Fourth Week -Thoughts and Reflections-

As the time to leave draws closer, I keep thinking back to what I felt when I first came here. I'm thankful to Shattik for making me experience this. Truly, I have ways to go before I can really learn to be like everyone else. The majority of the students, if not all, are here with the mindset that once the course is over they don't really have to talk to each other or put up with each other... I wonder if I'm the only naive one that thought that this would be a great chance to get to know people from different places and different backgrounds?

I had fever since yesterday, right now I'm sitting at home working on my Learner's Profile and after that my Material Assignment and the lesson for Monday. There's a dead silence in my apartment. To the suffocating point. I wonder why people cannot look at each other as just people instead of labeling them as so or so. Maybe, if they accepted people for who they are, maybe, just maybe, things would go better for everyone. If there's an argument, isn't it better to just let go of the things and move on instead of holding a grudge and thinking that things can't get better? I wonder if I'm too naive still. Even so, I want to get along with everyone, if you could sacrifice some bit of your ego and just smile at the other person, things should be able to work out. But then, there's the part of the other person that doesn't want to give in... I still don't know how to change that. Mom used to say "you can only control yourself, you cannot control how others think or behave", I see how it works out in the real world. Even though, I've gone through this same experience during my gaming years, still, I still want to believe that if someone is sincere the feelings do get through. Maybe not all the way, maybe not at once, but it does, in time it does. The people I want to reach to, I don't know what sort of hardships they had to go through since they usually don't want to talk about it, but I know that I want to understand them and get to know them better. I still don't know how to reach out to someone who's closed themselves, but maybe if I keep working on it, little by little, maybe we can come to an understanding or maybe they'll learn that not everyone is out there to take advantage of you.

When I leave here, I want to be able to be friends with everyone, be in contact even after we go our own ways, of course it won't be like it is now, but still, maybe something will remain. Not everything is dark and black, maybe somewhere, if you try to search for it long enough, there's still light, there's still hope... sekai wa, tsuteta mon jya nai kara, doryoku sureba, nanikaga kawareru hazu. For sure, if you work hard enough, something could change. For now, I don't want to change my way of thinking, I might be naive and I might be silly for thinking this way, but I still want to believe in the better part of people. One day for sure, people will be able to believe in each other.

Kerala Third Week

Well, I thought I would write daily but in the end the week flew by and I was way too busy to sit down and write. Ramadan started. Between fasting and studying it was hectic to say the least.

I made new friends! Mark, Justin and Chun. They're all from Australia and are really nice people. I hope I get to make more good friends here.

Right now I'm on my way to Guruvayoora via bus. My first time actually taking a bus from a bus stop. Going to a friend's house for iftaar, might stay the night.

The day has been so full of mini personal adventures! I woke up got ready and took a Uber cab to Fort Kochi. Could have been cheaper. Next time I'll try by bus. 

When I got to Fort Kochi I was so happy that I had actually packed my slippers. The pretty sketchers would have been ruined in the mud and sand. While I was sitting on a bench taking in the view, someone came and said "Assalam Alykum". Was pretty surprising for me, then he asked if I was Arabic. Apparently someone who owned a shop and was thinking I was a rich Arab lady cause of abaya. *Shakes my head* in any case he did tell me all about the places I could see. I took an auto rickshaw and went exploring all over Fort Kochi. That was really fun, the driver was trying to get me into shops that are tourist exclusive *=rip off shops*. Apparently he gets a cut every time he brings a tourist to those shops.

After the visit to the Chinese fishing nets, it started raining heavily. I took refuge in a hotel my friend told me about before. It was the most sensational view! From the second floor room, you could see the whole sea out there. The boats and ferries and even the huge cruise like ships. Had to wait there for a long time so I made sure that I got lots of pictures and videos. When I was making video, there was a time when lighting struck somewhere. I saw the flash and heard the sound. It was really frightening. The ground underneath me practically shook when it rumbled. 

I left the hotel when the rain let up, mobile all charged and phone batteries changed. Then I went to the Dutch Palace, historical pictures and artifacts. Somehow I had a deja vu feeling, like back when we first came to Kerala maybe I came here. It all seemed so familiar. They didn't allow picture taking, made me remember the picture my sister Nelly took of the no pictures sign long ago. When coming out I saw a family going in, when I came to the cab driver he and another cab driver were talking about the family saying how shameful, they are from Arab and not fasting and shamelessly eating in public. One driver was Hindu and one was Muslim. They praised me over fasting even when I was travelling. Made me so grateful to my parents for teaching me how to preserve and how to fast even when it's hard to, especially my mom. The very reason I don't skip fast even though when I'm studying and in the afternoon it gets difficult because of the lack of sleep. My body craves caffeine. It takes every ounce of my will power to continue doing it everyday. Today when I was waiting at the hotel for the rain to end, it was so tempting to see the food being made and the drinks being served. The waiter gave me a huge menu, and the items listed there looked so tempting. But I'm glad I preserved. The remark from that auto driver, made me feel so happy and so light. I'm glad I preserved. I'm glad I didn't stop fasting.

I came out of there and went to a close by shop that had many artifacts and ancient items. Next was the police museum, interesting place and I was able to take pictures as well. Again the deja vu feeling was there. I wanted to go to another shop as well but the time for ferry was getting close. Dad's student invited me to iftaar at his place when I was at the hotel. Had to hurry.
The ferry was late but it was amazing. I made a video and took pictures. That was truly a fun ride. I got a window seat and was able to look at the beautiful scenery outside.

I reached Ernakulam and then some nice person helped me get on the bus to Guruvayoor. 

I'll write part two after I'm back home

Part 2:

So it's Sunday, I'm back home. I had the most wonderful weekend.

I stayed the night at my Dad's student's place. We had a wonderful dinner then in the morning a really great sehri, the best I had since I got to Kerala, partly cause I didn't have much time to prepare food for that early, partly cause I would just fall asleep -.-;

In the morning we went to the beach and then the Elephant park, which however, I hated due to the fact that it felt like animal cruelty to me. I know they have their reasons but it still looked painful.

I requested to go to the beach again, and then I was able to actually have fun and enjoy playing in the water. Best.Day.Yet.

I hope next week I'm able to finish all my lessons and projects on time, and then I can go away on Saturday at least. Going out is much like a breather. I feel like I can work hard and focus more on things when I get some space to breathe.

I'll write more again. No time to add pictures right now, I'll do it when I get home and get everything organized.

Kerala Second Week

Well, originally I wanted to make a daily blog post after I came to Kerala, however, my laptop broke down due to no surge protection in my apartment and I didn't have a laptop. Tomorrow I'll go to buy a new laptop and I have 3 week left here so I will try to take lots of pictures and make a daily post for sure.

Coming to Kerala was for sure the best decision. I'm learning so much here at CILA, I made great friends,  I wake up each day and see the bluest of skies and lush green fields and trees. My roommate Manali makes awesome breakfast and we go to class with our classmates Graeme and Christine.

Until now, Helen has been our group leader/teacher. The 12 of us were divided into groups of 6, half went to Helen and half went to her husband, David. They both have completely different teaching style and we switch to the other teacher in 2 week, which, by the way, will be starting Monday for us. Starting Monday we will be moved to David and the others will come to Helen. 

These pictures were taken by my classmates, mostly by Tania. Will take individual shots and put a proper photo intro for everyone later. I'll however take a picture of the scenery I'm looking at right now and add here.

I'm truly thankful to my parents for letting me come here, this place is like the most wonderful place to live.  I really appreciate it.